As far as relationships go, this year has, at times been train wreck. And though you may not have noticed the worst of these relationships was the one that I have with myself.
I am rarely a priority for myself. What I mean by that is I don't take the time to properly care for myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I have never been my own priority. I have never seen just how valuable and important I am as an individual, as a woman, as a submissive. Yes, other people have told me over the years and I would smile and nod or rebuff their compliments or praise but it's never really sunk in that
I am important and first and foremost, I need to be important to myself.
So, over the last few months I decided to make myself important.
Yes, it took the fallout from The Communist, The Conservative and MO to bring me around but with a little guidance, a little prodding and a lot of patience I got there.
I've been slowly turning things around for myself. Most of it will never make it to these pages (frankly it's just not all that interesting) but it is important - to me.
Behind the scenes I've started exercising again, cooking more often, kicking ass in school...the list goes on and on.
And as this transformation has begun to take hold certain things have fallen away - that unbearable neediness, the desperation - all of those traits that made me so vulnerable to the downwards spiral I found my self in back in
September.
For awhile there I was binding myself nightly; it was the only way I could find that centred, calm feeling I desired. It has a been a few weeks now since I've needed to turn to the rope, the clamps and my new found appreciation for clothes pins. It's not that I don't have those needs, believe you me I need a wonderfully sadistic man to tie me down, beat me senseless and then fuck the hell out of me (sorry celibacy make me horny!)...
But...
it's far more important for me to learn how to cope, without the rope, the clamps, the clothes pins and the random, meaningless sex. I've learned how to cope, to self-soothe, to take care of me when I'm hurting or frustrated and perhaps the best thing, I haven't had to do it alone.
Over these last few weeks it feels like the pieces are starting fall into place. I feel like I have a direction again. One foot in front of the other, baby steps.
One of the steps happened this weekend. I pierced my nipples again. I always knew I would do it again I just needed it to be the right time. I wanted to do them now to mark all this change in me; to claim my ownership of myself. Now I won't feel conflicted like I did when MO and I ended and I wanted to tear them out. They don't remind me of anyone but me and I am mine.